"You've lost the loving feeling...Oh bring back that love feeling."

PACFA TALK     3.7.2024

JOHANNES KELDER

HOBART MARRIAGE COUNSELLING

0408450008

WHAT IS LOVE ?  …HOW TO KEEP THE FEELING OF LOVE.

 “ …we’ve lost that loving feeling.” Not only are these words the chorus line of a song (by the Righteous Brothers 1964) it also describes the lack of a basic unmet human need. At this workshop we shall explore a personal and client intervention on how to develop that ongoing loving feeling.

There are countless poems and songs on the topic of love.

The one that stands out for me is the Beatles song.

“All you Need is Love…” All I remember is the chorus.

The song reflected the feeling of the youth in the summer of love 1967 – hippies and San Francisco –culminating is Woodstock 1969.

We believed the world was going to change – hopeful.

I also like the love song

Oh oh catch that buzz

Love is the drug I'm thinking of

Oh oh can't you see

Love is the drug for me

Oh oh can't you see 

Love is the drug got a hook in me

1975 Roxy Music            Brian Ferry

The last song

[Verse 1: Steve Winwood]
Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine

[Pre-Chorus]
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
Falling behind in what could be

[Chorus]
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love, ohoh
Bring me a higher love
Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

1986 – 2009 Whitney Houston came out with her version

re:released it 2019 Kygro – sexualised video clip.

I am sure you all have a favourite love song…

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby)
But baby, baby I know it

You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woah

Baby (baby), baby (baby)
I beg of you please...please
I need your love (I need your love)
I need your love (I need your love)
Well, bring it on back (So bring it on back)
Bring it on back (so bring it on back)

Bring back that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin'
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone
And I can't go on, woah

The first experience of love with couples is Romantic Love.

I have recently fallen head over heels in love, but my cynical friends keep telling me that love is nothing but a cocktail of pheromones, dopamine and oxytocin, and that these wear off after a couple of years. The thought scares me, it makes the whole thing seem meaningless. Is love really just brain chemistry? - Jo, London.

Parashkev Nachev is a professor of neurology at University College London.

When romantic love is examined with imaging of the brain, the areas that “light up” overlap with those supporting reward-seeking and goal-oriented behaviour. But that parts of our brains are set ablaze by one thing does not tell us much if they are just as excited by a very different, other thing.

And the observed patterns of romantic love are not that different from those of maternal bonding, or even from the love of one's favourite football team.

So we can only conclude that neuroscience is yet to explain this "head over heels" emotion in neural terms.

Conclusion. It was concluded that romantic love does shape the expression of OCD, especially

with regard to SP and onset age. These findings encourage further exploration to determine its

clinical significance as a ph

Conclusion. It was concluded that romantic love does shape the expression of OCD, especially

with regard to SP and onset age. These findings encourage further exploration to determine its

clinical significance as a ph

Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD)

Conclusion. It was concluded that romantic love does shape the expression of OCD, especially

with regard to SP and onset age. These findings encourage further exploration to determine its

clinical significance as a ph

Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in which one’s relationship becomes the focus of obsessions and compulsions.

Psychology Today Ran Littman 27.1.2023

This is Your Brain on Love

During romantic love there are many changes that both men and women experience. It seems rather inaccurate to say “falling in love” because experiencing love is more of a high that puts people on cloud nine.“The first step in the process of falling in love is the initial attraction,” says Elizabeth Kane, a South University adjunct faculty member who teaches clinical psychology and behavioral science. “It’s the powerful moment when we meet another person and feel energized and are immediately aware of our heart pounding.”

According to licensed psychologist Dr. Rachel Needle, specific chemical substances such as oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine, have been found to play a role in human experiences and behaviors that are associated with love. They function similar to amphetamine, making us alert, excited, and wanting to bond.

“Falling in love is associated with increased energy, narrowing of mental focus, sometimes sweaty palms, light-headedness, racing heart, and a lot of positive feelings,” says Needle, an associate professor and coordinator of Clinical Experiences at South University, West Palm Beach.

This is true in the Romantic period of love.

There are very strong feelings and feelings then determine the thinking and the behaviour.

This is the autonomic emotive part of the brain taking over the rational – you will be blind to obvious red flags or excuse them or you have a hope that this will be experienced again.

Romantic love is in Gottman’s terms…

Positive Sentiment Overide – all neutral statement are automatically interpreted positively. …Even negative statement can be interpreted positively.

The romantic love ends Jo’s cynical friends are right – it wear off.

“At least a third of people in a relationship will find themselves in a place where you go. (1/3 divorce rate = divorce rate )

“I reckon I could have done better than this person.”

80% of couple relationships fall out of love completely and end the relationship …if you ad up the divorce stats – defacto relationships  stats and normal breakup up stats.

If you or clients, “ Have lost the loving feeling,”

How do you get it back… ( if you are wanting it back )

If we as therapists can keep the loving feelings we are more inclined to be positive about the potential of our clients getting it back or keeping it.

How ?

The first is you need to do a character assessment

I challenge my clients to ask the question. “Does your partner have the character qualities of a person I can spend the rest of my life with?”

We are going out of the emotive ( the feeling ) into the rational clear thinking part of the brain.

Does my partner have the character qualities ?

And it is fair to ask,

Do I have the character qualities for my partner ?

Some times I give this as a homework assignment.

Write a list of the character qualities your partner has and then ask yourself, Can I spend the rest of my life with such a person ?

In my cae my wife Jo - is kind, considerate, good. Reliable – totally trustworthy we are compatible in our finances, want best for the children, she is smart, loving, we communicate well – both words smiths. She patient, forgiving, on many things not easily offended ( on others I need to be careful )

Dan Whyle wrote a whole book on this subject “ After the Honeymoon”

Part of this thinking is also – people are flawed, they change, they are inadequate, frail, make mistakes, offensive and at times just  unlovable human beings.

This is like a reality check…

The second most important part of love is putting in loving behaviours. It’s all about loving acts and loving words.

And what we need to apply are loving virtues.

Act lovingly…

It is not so much offering a cup of tea, cooking a favourite meal and snuggling up on the couch…

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love does not insist on it’s own way

It is not easily angered

Keeps no record of wrongs. It forgives

It overlooks an offence

It honours and respects

These descriptions come from Pauls letter the church in Corinth in somewhere 50AD  1Corinthians 13

When it comes to an assessment of these qualities we are always kinder to ourselves… more forgiving to ourselves when we fail.

It’s about caring, encouraging, assisting, helping out.

If you can do this even to the unlovable you will discover what it means to be truly human.  And you will end up liking yourself.

If this is the kind love ( all we need ) then yes not only would our relationships be better but the world would be.

Love is thinking loving thoughts

         Love is a verb ( a doing word)

Combine these two and you will grow and have the feeling of love and experience the deep heart and body felt expression of love.

The ancient greeks have a threefold concept of love.

C.S.Lewis – also describes this.

Love for Greeks comes from the Psuche  - the soul or spirit ( not a chemical reaction)

Eros :  I love you because you make me feel good

(not enough for a long term committed relationship)

Philia : I love you because we are good together.

(not enough for a long term committed relationship)

Agape : I Love you and I am committed to your well-being

This is the secure attachment in EFT attachment theory

This is the love that a mother has for a child.

You have no choice but agape-love

Most women I talk to can feel what I am saying…

If I ask, “Can you feel what I am describing here.”

This is the love for a helpless totally dependent baby in your arms

The hard part of love is that you are required to be committed to a flawed human being and the this flawed human is required to reciprocate this.

Flawed in the sense that no one finds or gets a perfect partner.

Having an understanding of the love languages assists on couple being more effective in the way they show love.

LOVE LANGUAGES

There are 5 however I have added one +1 love languages.

1.    Service

2.    Affection

3.    Affirmation

4.    Quality time

5.    Gift

+ 1. Health – personal hygiene – presentation of self.

If you wish to have a discussion on this with your partner just one session can be very helpful to discuss how you would like to be loved and show love.